Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-08-25 22:54:44 (UTC)

I'm Feeling Whole Again

I made it through the withdrawals from night time eating
last night. I don't think it will be my only battle with
the "NO FOOD 3 HOURS BEFORE BEDTIME" rule, but one day at
a time is the only way I can conquer this. I went on my
first workout of the day this morning (I'll go on my
second one after the girls go to bed), when I got home I
couldn't resist the urge to weigh myself. I'm down 4
pounds!!! I know I should be wary, considering so many
things can affect your weight, but it was still great to
see that smaller number. It's given me the motivation to
keep going. If I can just lose 2 pounds a week, I will
feel like all of my work is a success. I've put myself on
a strict diet and exercise program that I'm considering a
lifestyle change. It won't be as strict when I reach my
goal, but it will always be under control, because I will
never be this big ever again, as long as I can help it. I
have to take control of my life, because I'm tired of
everything controlling me. Instead of just looking good, I
want to be healthy, too. It encompasses more than just a
change in size, it's a change in attitude and perspective,
too. I'm honestly happier than I have been in months, and
I haven't had chocolate in days. I'm going to stick with
this. I won't give up, I can't afford to. My life depends
on it.

Kiki had her 4 month well-baby checkup today and
everything was great. She's a robust 16 pounds, 6 ounces
and 27 cm long. She's got a drool rash on her chin and an
outty belly button, but other than that, she's perfect. To
me she's perfect anyway. She got her shots and I had to
wait outside, because everytime one of my children are in
pain, I laugh. I guess it's a coping mechanism, but it
just makes me feel like a bad mother. I shouldn't be
laughing at my baby's pain, but I've always done it, since
I was a child. I try to keep others from seeing it, so
they don't think I'm cruel or a bad mother.

We took a field trip as a family, today. We went to the
library to get Annie and Snookums library cards and to get
mine updated (it had my maiden name on it and my parent's
old address). I reconnected with my love of books! I was
so happy walking down row after row of books, looking for
that one I've been dying to read or that just looked
interesting. It was great. Annie had a good time in the
kids corner and picked out a couple of books to bring home
with her (I've already had to read them to her, twice) and
even Snookums got a book. He isn't much of a reader, but
he says he wants to do something with me in the evenings
other than eat, so he's going to give reading a try.
Honestly if I hadn't gotten engrossed in the book I'm
reading, last night I might have broken my contract and
eatten, so I know getting back into reading will be
helpful to my mind and body.

I'm so glad to report that I'm feeling whole again. Last
night I did start crying, but I knew why I was crying. I
was mad at myself for becoming so dependant on food as a
comfort, as entertainment, as a numbing agent. It also
turned out my period started this morning, so it was
hormones, too. I remember when it wasn't so long ago I'd
cry because it was the only emotion I could get out other
than a little rage once in awhile. The way I've been
living is no way for anyone to live. I've been a prisoner
within my own body and mind and now, I'm fighting my way
out. I'm feeling whole again.




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