Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-08-24 00:30:10 (UTC)

Honesty is a Right

I'm surprised I didn't have a dozen messages to respond to
about my last entry. I'm not usually so candid with the
more personal aspects of my life, but lately I've been
feeling that it's necessary. I need to be honest about
every facet of my life, or it just isn't real and sex is a
very real part of my life. For so long I've censored the
parts of my life that I didn't deem socially acceptable,
nice to hear or appropriate to bring up in polite
conversation. Well, things are different here. This is the
forum where I can say what I want to say, no matter how
nice, and I can vent when I need, rejoice when I need and
be HONEST. Honesty is a right I give to others, but not
myself. I'm never true to myself, and that has got to
change. I'm going to take steps in the right direction for
my own sake and no one else's. I have to be good to
myself, because I've beaten myself up for far too long.

Today I made a big step in the battle against my weight. I
joined Oprah's Bootcamp. I know that may sound silly to
some people. Oprah haters, people who think they can do
everything on their own, and others. I need accountability
and this gives me a monochrome of accountability. I even
printed out and signed a contract with myself stating all
of the things expected of me and what I need to do over
the next 12 weeks. I feel like this is a pact I've made
with myself (not Oprah) to change my life. I haven't been
able to do it BY myself, now lets see if I can do it FOR
myself. I've read in many places that I can't take care of
others if I don't take care of myself first. Right now I
don't feel like I'm doing a particularly good job of
taking care of anyone because I'm always so run down,
tired, exhausted (I've started a few entries remarking on
how exhausted I was) out of synch and just not feeling
good. I need to get a grip, come to my senses and do what
I know my body and soul needs. Tomorrow is the official
start of the twelve weeks, but since I decided to do it,
I've been on track the rest of today. I want to succeed at
this, I really do. At the moment I'm feeling scared, like
I'm giving up a big part of my life (food is my friend). I
don't want to give up sugar and bread, pasta and candy.
All of these things have been a comfort to me for so long
that I'm going to have to learn how to cope without them.
I'm going to have to start feeling instead of binging and
that scares me too.

I'm going to go make dinner now. I almost would rather I
didn't have to, because just going into the kitchen is a
huge temptation. I hate being fat and I hate skinny people
who don't have to think about what or how much they eat.
No I don't, I'm just being jealous.




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