Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-08-22 19:22:02 (UTC)

Annie and Kiki - The Births of My Babies

I've noticed there's been a shift in the time of day that
I write. I usually write in the morning (as I am now), but
lately I've been writing in the afternoon, evening or at
night (like last night). Writing during the day allows me
to contemplate what is going on inside of my heart and
mind, writing later in the day gives me something tangible
to write about (like how my day went). I'm not as rushed
as I am in the evening, I noticed. During the day Kiki is
asleep or playing when I write. In the evening, everyone
is home, awake, and requiring my attention, so I'm more
rushed. I guess both times of day are important to my
mental well-being. Occasionally, I even write twice, if I
have something I need to say right away. When I first
started this diary Snookums didn't know about it, but I
decided it wasn't right to hide it from him, and what was
I hiding anyway? If a stranger surfing the web can read
it, why not my husband, the man I love most in the world?
He isn't too interested in what I write here, because most
of it he knows about already. Showing Snookums my diary is
what brought on the shift in writing times. He supports my
need to express myself with written words.

Kiki is growing so fast! This just came to my mind early
this morning when I was changing her diaper. She's going
to be 4 months old in a matter of days and I can't believe
that, because it feels like we just brought her home from
the hospital. She was so ill when she was born. The
doctors didn't know what was wrong with her. They knew she
had an infection, but they didn't know what kind of
infection or where it was located in her body. I was so
groggy, I didn't really know what was going on. When she
came out and they put her on my stomach, she didn't cry
and she was incredibly pale and ashen looking. After about
15 seconds, they snatched her away and took her across the
room to a warmer and 3 or 4 pediatricians converged on her
and within minutes, she was leaving. They told me she was
just going to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit to be watch
for awhile. She didn't want to breathe on her own. She had
fluid in her lungs, because she didn't cry when she came
out (and I had polyhydroamniosis when I was pregnanat with
her-too much amniotic fluid)I was left alone for hours,
everyone ran to be with her, I didn't mind that, but I
wasn't updated about how she was doing until Snookums came
back from the NICU. She was there for 3 days before they
let her come to my room, then we stayed for an additional
4 days while she got pumped full of antibiotics. God, what
a way to enter into the world. On our last day in the
hospital, he doctor told me that if my labor and delivery
nurse hadn't noticed Kiki's struggle when she was born,
Kiki probably would have just peacefully died in her
sleep. Every since her birth, I've felt that she was more
fragile than Annie was. Annie came into the world like a
lion. I didn't even make it to the hospital to have her,
she literally fell in the toilet (I thought I had to pee,
but it was Annie pushing on my bladder). She pushed her
way out and screamed until she got the meal she was
looking for. Annie has always been such a strong child. I
have this perception of Annie as strong and independant
and Kiki as weak and sickly, needing more care. I know it
isn't necessarily true. Annie does need me, and Kiki
hasn't had so much as a sniffle since she came home and
she's a big, rolly-polly baby that eats a ton. At times,
when I was at my worst, lowest times, I felt that my only
reason to live was to nurture Kiki to a point where she
didn't need me anymore. I wasn't sure where that point
was, but it kept me going. I mostly feel like Annie
doesn't need me anymore. She finds love and acceptance
from many adult figures in her life (her teacher, her day-
care teacher, her grandmothers) I'm not so vital to her
well-being, but Kiki needs the protection my milk can give
her. I learned this from the doctors and nurses at the
hospital, who had me pump colostrum and eventually
breastmilk, to feed her through a tube. Why did all this
come out now? I'm not sure how I ended up writing about my
babies today, but I'm glad I did. I've never shared with
you how Kiki came into the world or the dynamics of how I
feel about my children. See what writing in the morning
can bring out!

I'm going to go for now. I've constucted myself an
ambitious TO DO list for today and I need the satisfaction
of finishing it. Ciao for now.




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