Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-08-20 21:25:12 (UTC)

Family Secret

Snookums is buzzing around the house like a busy worker
bee, doing all the things I sometimes ask him to do, only
without me asking. I think he's trying to make up for
making me mad this morning. I've been keeping an aspect of
our relationship as a family secret from you. Snookums'
relationship with Annie is tenuous at best. I've never
told you this (why I'm not sure), but they fight
constantly. As good as he treats me, that's how bad he
treats her. I don't know why he does it. He wasn't abused
as a child, at least his mother says he wasn't. They are
fighting behind me as I write this. I'm not going to stop
it, because I always stop it and it only starts up again
moments later. It's just another one of those things that
torment me. Snookums can't say anything to her in a normal
tone or even ask her to do something civilly. Everything
is a barked order. I'm torn between my child and the man I
love. Some people believe that you should marry the man
that is right for you, some believe you should marry the
man right for your children. Who is right? I never thought
I'd have to choose. I always assumed that I'd get lucky
and I'd find the man with the perfect balance. Snookums
loves me, this I never doubt, but he HATES Annie. I know,
hate is a strong word, but in his case, it probably isn't
strong enough. I try to find reasons to explain his
behavior. He's not use to being around children (it's
gotten worse over the years), He's stressed out from work
(He's perfectly civil to me), He's not sure how to treat
children (He's wonderful with Kiki). None of my excuses
pan out. I can't justify his behavior. Usually I just
pretend I don't see it, but like a pimple, every now and
then, it comes to a big ugly head and you can't ignore it.
I wish I knew what to do to make him stop. I yell, I
scream, I cry and all efforts on his part are temporary.
He'll change for an hour, a day, nothing more than that. I
know I don't want to divorce him. When I married him, it
was for the rest of my life, but what toll is that going
to take on Annie, and maybe even Kiki, in the future? I
believe that they will resent me for letting him treat
them the way that he does. I somewhat blame my mother for
what my step-father did to me. I'm not even sure she knew
what was going on. Annie knows that I see what is
happening. I'm sure she'll have no mercy on me when she
gets older. I'm preparing myself for serious rebellion
when she reaches adolescence.

I think I might have found something to get me on track
(at least for the moment). Last night I was watching Oprah
(as usual) and they had on twin sisters. One was 120
pounds, the other was 420 pounds. Just listening to the
pain and unhappiness the bigger twin was describing and
looking at the difference between the two of them was
enough to keep me from letting Snookums go get milkshakes.
There was also a 20 year old woman on whose entire family
was thin, except for her, and her father constantly
tormented her about what and how much she ate. I don't
have that in my life, but I torment myself. In a way,
that's probably worse than having someone else torment
you. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't recognize
the fat person I've become. I look at the pictures around
the house of me when Snookums and I were dating and our
wedding pictures and I'm not that person anymore. I want
to get back to being me. Not some bloated, overweight,
unhappy version of me. I know I should lose weight for my
health, not my looks, but over all, I'm not unhealthy. My
blood pressure is low, my heart rate is low, my
cholesterol is fine. I know this is because I'm young and
not morbidly obese, but where will the weight gain stop if
I don't stop it now? My health will take a rapid decline
if I don't make a turn-around now, but it's so difficult
to change habits that have become comfortable. I haven't
binged since 9pm last night (it's 2:30pm now). I know that
isn't a world record, but its a step back in the right
direction. I'm going to try. Thats all I can do. Oprah
says that compulsive eating is an addiction, much like a
drug and you just can't come off of it cold turkey. I
won't beat myself up if I have a relapse, but I seriously
need to chase down that wagon and get back on it.




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