Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Slipping Back To Destruction
Slowly but surely I'm slipping back into my self-
destructive behaviors. I'm not feeling as motivated to do
anything. Not as motivated as I have been the past couple
of weeks. Maybe I am bi-polar, coming down off of a high.
It's almost 1pm. I'm still in my pajamas, I haven't done
anything in the house. Kiki hasn't been dressed yet. I
just don't feel like doing a damn thing. I will drag my
sorry ass out of bed in time to get the house in order for
Snookums, but that won't be until around 3pm or 3:30pm.
Why bother? Nothing I do is going to make me be the person
I want to be, so I might as well just sit back and wait to
die or wait for a reason to live to come along. I don't
want to kill myself, but I don't want to force myself to
live either. Happiness should be effortless and for me it
isn't. It's something that I have to work hard for and
when I achieve it, it's tenuous. It can go quicker that it
came. I hate everything about myself today. I don't know
why I feel so down. I didn't want to wake up this morning.
Kiki wanted her breakfast and I didn't have the strength
to do it. I did it because I had to, but the joy in taking
care of my baby just isn't there today. WHY AM I ALWAYS
HAVING ISSUES? Why can't I just be happy? Why is being
happy such a struggle? When do I get to just be happy with
what I'm blessed to have? Maybe I'll snap out of this
trance I've been living in the past couple of months.
Could it still be post pardum depression? Kiki will be 4
months old on the 25th. I don't know how long PPD can
still be a problem. I think I probably need to seek
counseling, but I don't have alot of time for myself. When
would I be able to do it? I'll just shuffle back to my
cave until I have to come out and pretend I'm a
functioning member of society.
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