Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-08-19 03:09:53 (UTC)

Unexpected Adventure

I went on an unexpected adventure today. Snookums called
me around 11:30am (not unusual) and told me that his
entire division was getting off early and going to the
Olive Garden for lunch (unusual). He asked if I wanted to
go, and I said yes, because I know he wanted to show off
Kiki and he wanted me to go, even if he didn't say that
outwardly. I just feel so self-consious around other
people. I told him I'd go, though, and I scrambled to
change into my not-so-fat outfit and get the house
straightened up a bit (he was bringing his 1st class petty
officer home with him, why I don't know). Having a meal
with them wasn't so bad, I guess, but looking at the
young, vibrant, healthy young women he works with didn't
make me feel too happy about myself. I only had soup and
two breadsticks, because I didn't want to look like a pig,
while they all chowed down on breadstick after breadstick,
eggplant parmesan, lasagna, seafood alfredo, I could go
on, but I won't. Even though I have no doubt that my
husband loves me and doesn't compare me to the women he
works with, I can't help but compare myself to them. I
just feel so inadequate. I wish I could go back to
whenever it was I started putting on the weight and stop
myself before it got to this point. I have completely
fallen off of the wagon, and the wagon has left me behind.
Now I'm sitting on my ass on the side of the road. What do
I do now? I tried to control my eating, but I feel so
deprived. I try to exercise, but with the baby, there
always seems to be an obstacle that keeps me from getting
the time I need to do it, or the energy, or the
motivation. I keep making excuses that are a crutch
holding up my bloated, overweight body and preventing me
from succeeding. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm
just not motivated enough. I don't want it enough, and it
would take a life threatening illness or my husband to
leave me before I'll do anything about it. The truth will
set you free. This is the first slice of honesty pie I've
had in awhile. Unfortunately for me, I don't tell myself
the truth nearly enough. I've got the gag out of my mouth,
but I'm still handcuffed and shackled. How many calories
can you burn tied up in your own shame like I so
unfortunatly am? Snookums says he loves me the way I am,
but I don't love myself and that's the problem.

Even though I was put in a highly uncomfortable situation
today, it didn't ruin my day. As aware as I am about my
appearance, no one else seemed too concerned with it. I
can honestly say that the other women there treated me
very nicely. Some women hold grudges against the people
they envy, but I don't. They are nice people. Ultimately I
was able to put aside my inhabitions and have a good time
with adults for the first time in years. I hope I get more
opportunities to get out and have an adventure.




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