Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-08-11 01:51:29 (UTC)

Congratulations To Me

I did it! Finally, I followed through on something. I said
I was going to finish that damn list and I did! This
morning I dropped Annie off at summer camp and when I got
home, I made a decision. I decided that today was the day.
I put Kiki in her front carrier and I went for a walk. It
hurt and I started to sweat, but it was liberating. When I
got home I was feeling so good that I went straight into
that list that's been haunting me for so long. I did
everything. Every stitch of clothing in this house has
been washed. Every floor mopped, every wooden surface
polished. I know this sounds like a hopeless housewife
being proud of her housekeeping skills, but it goes much
deeper than that. It's about following through with
something. Not letting the demons of depression keep you
down. Today, I lived for the first time in a long time,
because I was able to do normal things. Depression didn't
stop me from being normal. It felt good looking around
seeing everything DONE. Congratulations to me!

Tomorrow Snookums and I go to see Mr. Franz. I'm almost
nervous, even though I know I have no reason to be. I
guess it's just flashbacks of when I was fighting to get
Annie back. Now that's not the case, but it's hard to get
those bad memories out of your head. I'm scared something
unexpected is going to come up out of the blue. I swear
there's demons hiding around every corner, trying to steal
my joy. God, it's getting old. I wonder what I'm going to
wear? Why does it always come back to what I'm going to
wear? No one is paying that much attention to my clothing.
I need to stop being so self-conscious.

I've been thinking about my step-father alot the past
couple of days. I don't know if I told you that. Even
though I haven't talked to him in years, I remember that
our last conversation was a nice one. He never said or did
anything bad to me (aside from the sexual abuse). I think
thats why I'm having such a hard time letting go of him.
Part of a sex predator's plan is to get you feeling like
you need them. It's evil what some people are capable of
doing to another human being. I'll go to my grave, though,
thinking that my step-father, when you get down to the
bare bones of it, isn't a monster. He's not a bad person,
he did bad things. God, I sound like a fool, but I can't
change how I feel.

Anyway, I had a good day, in summary. I exercised, got
everything done I set out to and I didn't binge today. I
guess I'll just take things one day at a time. Anything
else seems too daunting.




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