Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-07-29 17:51:45 (UTC)

Breaking Through

I hate to fill my diary with nothing but my boring,
depressed thoughts and how I can't handle my life, but
what else do I have to talk about? I so look forward to
writing everyday and I sincerely believe that it helps me
get through the long, boring day until Snookums and Annie
get home. Kiki is a sweet baby, but lets face it, she
isn't much on conversation and Zeus (my cat) is being a
pain in the ass. He's so needy, following me around the
house meowing constantly. He is the true definition of a
pussy. He's more work than the baby. I think he's still
adjusting to her sudden presence and his decrease in
attention.

I think I had a break-through last night. The past week or
two my mental state has been doing a complete downward
spiral and it all came to a head last night. Usually
Snookums falls asleep around 11pm and I fall asleep
watching the news, but last night Snookums didn't fall
asleep as usual. Kiki had her last feeding of the night
and it was time to go to bed. So, Snookums turned off the
tv and I laid in the dark for only a matter of moments
before I completely broke down. The dark silence lets all
of the demons come out. Snookums just held me for about an
hour and once I could finally get myself composed we
talked about some of the things that have been bothering
me. I expressed my deepest feelings about my stepfather
and the abuse and how I don't feel like I'm a valuable
memeber of society. I feel like I'm just Kiki's food
supply and only because she won't tolerate formula.
Talking didn't solve anything, but now I don't feel so
alone. I actually feel more upbeat than I have in awhile.
I need to get out of my self-pitying/self-loathing funk
and get out and live again. I'm not sure how to go about
that, feeling so unsure of myself, but I'm going to try.

I'll be leaving the house today for the first time in a
week. I'm going grocery shopping (yippee). Snookums says
he wants his wife back and I'm going to try to give him
that. I know my depression isn't fair to him. He didn't
marry a basketcase. He married a young, vibrant woman that
was strong willed and strong minded. Now I'm just a bag of
mush. I'm going to break through that. Wish me luck.




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