Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-07-28 17:01:41 (UTC)

A Vacation From Ordinary

I never did get to exercising yesterday. The Pilates DVD
and the exercise ball still maintain their coating of dust
(maybe I will dust them today). I'm thinking that instead
of throwing myself into a completely new lifestyle, I'll
ease myself into it. I'm working on my emotional eating
and I guess for the moment that will have to be enough.

Yesterday, my husband came home from work 5 hours early,
unexpectedly. It's a good think I'm not cheating:)He's
been really worried about me and I don't blame him. The
night before last I told him that I wanted to go to sleep
and never wake up. He's scared. He doesn't know what to
do. So, he came home early and we left the 3 month old and
the 6 year old in the living room watching Nickelodeon and
we did what I do every evening. We closed ourselves up in
our cool, dark, comforting, master bedroom and he held me.
For hours we lay like this and I feel very loved, but
still raging inside. My mind never shuts up and it can
ruin any good moment. For dinner (which I always prepare
at 5pm) He made me pancakes. I love pancakes, I eat them
everyday, but we had ran out of eggs, so I didn't get any
yesterday morning, until he came home with eggs and made
me dinner. Yesterday was such a vacation from the ordinary
clockwork of our lives that it has lifted my spirits, if
only the teeniest bit.

While we were laying in the cool, dark, comfort of our
master bedroom, Snookums(yes, that REALLY is what I call
him) brought to my attention that I have not left the
house since Sunday (yesterday was Wednesday). Is that so
unusual? Should I go outside everyday? I've got this
intense dislike for the sun. I can't explain it. I use to
love the sun. I'd bask in it until I was a deep, dark
brown. Now, I don't even want to be in a sunlit room. In
the morning around 8am the sun spills into our bedroom and
that's when I have to leave it. I go to the living room.
All day I watch as the sun creeps closer and closer across
the ground to the french doors and I know how much time I
have until it will come in. By 5pm I can't be in there any
more, but I usually can't retreat to my cave(the master
bedroom in the afternoon, when the sun has been removed)
until dinner is served and eatten and the children are
ready for bed around 7pm. So, lately I make Snookums fend
for himself as far as dinner goes. I hate being in the
sunny rooms of the house. I hate the warmth of it on my
skin, I hate the brightness in my eyes. It's all just so
uncomfortable. If I do go outside (only because I have to)
I wear sunglasses. What the hell is wrong with me? I live
in the rainiest state and you'd think I'd be glad for the
sun, but I just want summer to be over and the rain to
return.

Lately, I've been feeling alot of self-pity. I look at my
life: Homemaker, mother of two, Navy wife, drives an
Impala (a big family car, a new one, not an older, cool
gangsta Impala), I sit at home all day with a baby, I have
a six year old starting 1st grade this fall. I'm married
to a 29 year old man (who's responsible, stable, has a
career and provides well-the perfect husband). Guess how
old I am? I just turned 23 last month. I totally missed
out on all the fun of youth. I've already settled down
before I ever became worked up. I missed out on youth. But
this was my choice, I shouldn't resent it now. I didn't
have to get married, I didn't have to have another baby,
but I did and I love my family, I just need to get out and
have some fun, after the sun goes down, of course:(




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