Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-07-27 17:46:30 (UTC)

Baby Steps

Yesterday was hard, but this morning was harder. I saw my
husband off to work and my daughter off to summer camp
this morning at 6am and I'd intended to go for a walk,
when I realized that the baby's stroller was in the trunk
of the car my husband took and my back isn't strong enough
to carry the baby in her front carrier and its already 80
degrees outside and I don't want her to get sunburned.
EXCUSES, EXCUSES. Why can't I just admit that I HATE to
exercise, I hate sweating and getting dirty and I know
that it'll only burn a measly 100 calories (less than I
could stuff in my mouth in 10 seconds). I'm almost tempted
to just gain another 50 pounds and just get laproscopic
gastric bypass surgery. Thats just a stupid idea. I'm sure
there are hundreds of people who would highly disagree
with that logic. Yesterday I tried not to eat unless I was
hungry, and for the most part I did okay. I think I ate
too much at dinner and I had ice cream for dessert, but it
was still much less than I would normally have, so baby
steps. Eventually I'll get this under control. I'm going
to wipe the dust off my Pilates DVD and give that a shot,
but I fear that I'm so overweight that nothing will help
me, short of sweating it out in a sauna.

I got an e-mail from the prosecuting attorney handling my
stepfather's case. He's being sentenced for first degree
felony incest on the 4th of August. She wanted to know if
I wanted to seek restitution for therapy. I guess therapy
would be good, but no amount of money is going to restore
what was really taken from me. How do you restore someones
virginity, dignity, self-respect or mental health once its
been taken? Those thinks can't be restored, even with
therapy. I read somewhere that the law doesn't punish
rapist that rape girls or women as harshly as they do
rapist who rape boys or men, because eventually a woman
will have sex, but boys or men won't necessarily become
gay and engage in that activity. I tend to believe this is
true, considering my stepfather got me pregnant and is
only looking at 1 year in prison (if that). I know I
shouldn't be bitter, but who the hell wouldn't be, just a
little?

I think my husband thinks I'm crazy. He doesn't say so,
but I think I'm crazy, so he must. I cry all the time for
no reason. Maybe its post pardum depression or hormones
raging, I am breastfeeding. Or maybe all of this shit with
my stepfather's case coming up is getting to me. I don't
think I'm in danger of suicide or anything drastic like
that, but I am in turmoil and I need to get out of it. I
think I will dust off that Pilates DVD and maybe even the
exercise ball and work out a little of this anxiety. I
might just feel better about things (or even myself,
heaven forbid). Even hopelessly depressed people are
entitled to a little optimism.




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