03145se
The Life Of A Self Confessed Idiot
I'm not sure yet.
I'm not sure why i logged back on here, I'm not sure why I'm
typing this. I stopped coming on here a while ago because i
wasn't sure it was making me feel any better. I am the sort
of person that puts everything bad to the back of their
mind, i ignore how i feel and jsut get on with things,
pretend everything in fine and dandy. But when i was typing
on here, writing stuff that had happened, i couldn't stop my
feelings spilling out. So i stoped coming on here. So, like
i said, i don't know why i'm here and i don't know what to
say and yet i keep typing.
I've messed up quite a lot recently, but not like i normally
do. Usually what i class as messing up is going into self
destruct mode, and yes i can see you, still there alwsy
there, laughing at what i'm saying. Sure i'm being dramatic,
but my self destruction is dramatic. Anyway, my most recent
screw up was losing my best friend, the only person that
knows the majority of stuff about me. And for once, i didnt
do something that i feel deserved losing her. Her
ex-boyfriend, my other best friend asked me out. Yeah, stop
with the judging eyes, i know that that is wrong. But let me
explain, i told Mattthew that i did want to go out with him,
but that he had to ask Kat if it was okay. He did this and
she said it was fine. Then i asked her if it would be okay
if i said yes, she again said it was okay. So i listened and
said yes. And then she jsut stopped being my friend. I know
what i did was wrong, you don't date your friend's exs, but
i did and now ive lost Kat.
I jsut read my last entry, written months ago, and i talked
about how all i want is someone to put their arms around me
and tell me everything is okay, to make me feel safe. And
mattthew is that person, when he gives me a hug, its like
beinhg in a little bubble, nothing else matters and i feel
so safe, i never want to let him go. Don't shake your head
at me, i've not gone soft, honest i've not. Cos as soon as i
do let go, everything is squiffy again, nothing makes sense
and i'm back in reality. So i don't know why im writing in
this diary, i hope i continue to, because reading back wat i
read months ago is a real eye opener. I'm not sure why.
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