Elizabethgrace im not completely sober but i do not care. i care deeply but ive been on something for months whether it be pot....stupid legal herb JWH...which freaked me out or some pain med not prescribed to me...anxiety meds do not count for me anymore.I have been on them soo long...in the double digits.Its crazy how i was so young and they put me on a med and did not tell me what it was for..i guess ?? sleep.yes. That used to be good especially when I got out i drank with them and turned into a social butterfly( what i always wanted) and i got in trouble for stealing on that mixture. Now my anxiety meds...I take them right....right now but they just keep me from having a total mental breakdown if there is such a thing....nope will never stop taking them again after 2006-2007 winter.... seizure precautions..phenobarbital and then...rebound anxiety and shaking and twitching and hallucinating Heart palpitations nonstop and going into total depersonalization for months. hell no. i forgot who everyone really was er something. i felt so unsafe and could not even have any kind of meaningful conversation. My central nervous sysyem was totally overloaded after being subdued by meds for so many years it all came back so fast i was so sensitive to light sound touch taste. I "OVER HEARD" everything. I felt peoples VIBES like crazy. i could sense their feelings.Its like i saw everones insides lol. i observe alot.introvert. Everything was toooo much.Id rather be DEAD than be off of Clonazepam. 1 mg. 3 times a day. I could probably function and be fine on 6 mgs a day BUT when u r an addict and they know it..I do not think this BITCH Dr...or Psych.LPN trusts me at all. she doesnt even know me they fucking move so fast here ..no one stays here long enough in the psych. field..they move alll the time. Yes i could take the 2 hour drive to a bigger place But right now its ok in that area although that bitch looks at me like my main thing is to get high on clonipin when i have been on it so long that i do not get high or euphoric on them..she says...if i find out u are getting clonopin anywhere else i will stop prescribing it to u... Fuck her....i dont do that shit.i am not a dr shopper...( YET.never say never) i am only needing it to function..she doesnt know shit about me. that was me mad..lol. i do not even hardly cuss in front of others unless they r my friends or whatev..yup. i am quiet..i have found i am more quiet than shy.i like to listen and do. hmm ok Clonipin shit is out and now a beta blocker..since my "going off clomipin incident" now i have to take a damn heart pill! wtf...well it helps me like a placebo effect also.propanalol..stage fright drug...yup that perfectionism that runs thru me...the world is like a damn stage and i have to b what i veiw PERFECT to b and how in the hell would I KNOW WHAT THAT IS? i am an addict anxiety disorder crazy who can act like its just all ok.....mmmmm for the most part.Like I Know what PERFECT even is..so im sure i am foolish if Im out there trying to be a perfect me...lol.....people say i am gentle and i have a big heart and that i am honest and open minded and i do not judge real harsh. I do..i do.. maybe I do not juge so harsh cuz i think i am the worst lttle cell in the world.lol...so infinite..Im really a speck of dust in the scheme of things. ok now..im not gonna go into the universe and how it all began cuz then ..Oh i do not wanna go into deep thinkin mode today. what i wrote was just good enough. Now im leaving it here.OUT OF ME! thank u God. i still know u r everywhere and all around i just do not FEEL U anywhere or see and that sucks.Spiritual experience maybe? puleeeze? lol.funny |