andrewfreyne It’s coming up to 10pm and I feel like shit! I have had a really bad day today! I don’t know why things have happened like this but I guess I make my own choices so I am to blame for anything negative that transpires! I thought I was doing really well! I was accepted as a volunteer at Computer Aid International and today I threw it all away! I attended two sessions I think and today was to be my third session! As usual I became uncomfortable and I came to the decision that I was not going in today and I even addressed an email to the manager stating that I would no longer be able to volunteer for Computer Aid. I left the email this morning and I have checked my email this evening and he has not responded! He probably thinks I’m a waste of space! Anyway, that is over and yes I do have some regrets but there’s no turning back now. Instead of going into Computer Aid today I decided to use my pass on my oyster card and I paid a visit to the East Finchley Cemetery, I thought my dad was buried here but realised that it was probably the other cemetery, the St Pancras Cemetery that he’s actually buried. My mind was running over time and I was becoming quite stressed. I paid a visit to the Willow Tree Garden in the cemetery and this is where I met John initially, it certainly brought back some happy memories. Anyway, there I sat on a wooden bench and there was no one about and I was enjoying the sound of the wind in the trees and there was a gale blowing at times. I wanted to read my book in peace and I closed my eyes and tried to focus on nothing but the noise and sounds around me. It was something I’ve not done in a long time and I needed this escape today. The journey to and from the cemetery was very nice and I saw different people sitting on the bus! It’s nice to just look at people from time to time, as long as you don’t stare I guess! Anyway, I have been feeling tired and lethargic all day and I guess I’m starting to feel quite low in terms of mood, I hope that depression is not grabbing a foothold! So, this is where I’m at! I have to forget about things and try and move on. What is moving on? I don’t know! My thoughts are in turmoil! I am the way I am! I don’t communicate well with others! Oh, I’m a good communicator in terms of having a good command of the English language but it seems that I am reluctant to initiate conversations with other people, total strangers! This is where I lose out I guess! I’m sure other people do not consider me approachable! I am but I probably seem cold on the exterior! I’m just an empty sack of skin and bones, no real substance, just living from day to day dreaming my life away, dreaming the impossible! God, I hope there’s someone in the big, wide Universe that is watching and actually realises that I’m writing my thoughts in this journal. I don’t like to think that I am totally alone in this Universe! I like to think that I have some kind of guardian angel by my side, this gives me some kind of comfort and eases my mind! All I have in my life right now is my cycling and my books and my computer and of course, there’s John as well! I’m feeling very tired! I just want to lay my head down and not wake up come morning! This is a dream that I would happily welcome with open arms! |