Empty Inside...Again I used to be normal. I used to look at girls that would be all up on their guy, and gag. I found it annoying. Not because I didn’t have someone I could do that with (though that was annoying, but I was ok with it for the most part) but because I found it kinna obsessive. I always wondered, ‘why can’t they just be happy with who they are? Why do they need a guy to validate them?’ Now I understand. It’s not about being validated. It’s about feeling loved. It’s a confidence boost. Having someone hold you close and say everyday how much they love you, and not being afraid to kiss you in public. It boosts confidence to where you actually feel worthy of love. And maybe that’s just me, how I feel. But either way, that’s true. It took 18 years for me to understand that though. I always promised myself I would never let myself get so caught up in a guy that I’d get depressed if he didn’t call me or talk to me at least once a day. And maybe it’s just the fact that I know he can’t that’s driving me insane, but I broke that promise to myself. I’m going crazy with him not around. I’m going nuts without him telling me how much he loves me. And I can’t sleep without him next to me now. I toss and turn without him there and honestly, I’m ok with that. But only because I won’t have to sleep without him forever. Just for now. And when we move in together (which will hopefully be after this first semester of collage) I’ll get to sleep next to him every night without other people in his house complaining about it, or people in my house complaining about me never being here. Honestly, I never thought I’d have to watch the man of my dreams drive away from me in the back of a cop car. And the worst part about him leaving that way is the fact that the ONLY reason he left like that was because he didn’t pay on his fines. That’s the WORST way to go. Sure he did stupid shit in his past, bad shit, but to go to jail for a stupid thing like this when he’s done worse, I think that’s what’s messing with me most. It hurts so bad not having him here. For two months I’ve had him talk to me every day, tell me he loves me, hug me and kiss me at least once a day. I’m not used to not having that anymore. I love him so much. I promised myself I’d never say this but… Hun, I need you. I need you here with me. I can’t live without you anymore. I want to be yours forever and then some. You said you’d get out Tuesday morning, so please text me tomorrow as soon as you get out. I don’t care if I’m at work, I’ll find time to text you back. I just don’t want to have to cry myself to sleep again because you’re not there. Also, I really wish you would just propose already and get it over with. I really don’t care about the ring, it’s you I care about and that’s it. You’ve been telling me you will, just not before you get the perfect ring. Stop waiting. You already know I’ll say yes so stop waiting. But most of all…Please come back to me soon. He’s never going to see this. Never going to know any of this. Not until we give our vows and I’m not afraid to tell him. But I wish I could say it all. And what’s more…I wish I could tell him I want to get pregnant with his baby before he leaves next summer. That job is so dangerous and if something happens to him, I want to still have a little piece of him. But everything is telling me not to tell him that. Everything and everyone. I know we’re not ready, I’m not ready, but I can’t make the feeling go away. I’m so scared of everything right now. So scared that everything will fall through and I’ll be left with nothing again. But I can’t make it so I’m not scared, because I know that no matter how good things seems, something can always very easily, fuck it up. So these are all thoughts that I keep from him. These aren’t things he can ever know I’m thinking. And that fact hurts so bad. I feel like we have the perfect relationship. We never fight, and the two or three times we have, we made up five minutes later. We love being around each other. We fell in love within a week and that’s something I’ve never done before. He does everything right and if it’s wrong, he makes up for it. For the first time, I’ve loved someone for everything that they are, and I don’t want to change a single part of him. He’s a criminal, but HE’S changing that. He WANTS to. And that’s why I don’t want to. So I feel like we have the perfect relationship, even though I know that nothing is perfect. So I should be able to tell him all of this right? I should just be able to walk up to him and tell him everything that’s on my mind. But no. I can’t. I guarantee I’ll never be able to. Why? Because I’m a chicken shit. I’m afraid of everything, but mostly, of his rejection. I’m afraid he’ll look at me, tell me I’m stupid and crazy, and never talk to me again. So I keep my feelings to myself. I want him to know everything. I want him to be the one I can talk to about anything, and when I can’t, he gets frustrated, thinking I can’t talk to him. But I can, I’m just afraid to. So how do I tell him I can’t live without him when I’ve always been able to live on my own? How do I tell him that I want him to propose with a quarter machine ring until he can get a nice one just so I can say he’s my fiancé and will be mine forever? And how do I tell him I want to have his baby before he leaves next summer for three months? I don’t know. I’ll never know. And because of that, he won’t either. So I wait, and I hurt, and I dream of our life together when I know that it still may not happen. (It’s only been two months. Things happen.) And in that time I pray that nothing will go wrong and I’ll still get to call him mine. I love you, Hun. You mean the world to me and I never want to lose you. Come back soon so I can stop worrying. Please? |